Life After Paneton

Paneton season is over and you are left to wallow in your body fat...

Fear not kids, your body weight control savior has arrived!

D'Onofrio vs. Balocco

What better way to end the carb season, than with a fight of epic proportions. Paneton, or Panettone, is traditionally from Milan, as Wikipedia will have you know. So it only seems fair to pit the best of Peru to an Italiano, in order to determine the true breadloaf king!

In one corner with have the D'Onofrio classic. The gold standard. The Paneton that looks down upon all the other Peruvian brands with a knowing teal smirk letting them all know who’s boss.

In the other corner stands - Balocco classic (cousin to the godly MaxiCiok). The mysterious Italian challenger, completely unknown... but painting all kinds of unrealistic expectations with a whopping motherfucking price tag of 43 New Suns.

Paneton vs. Panettone. Peru vs. Italy. Cholo vs. Paisano. A legendary breadloaf clasico! The tension is unbreadable.

Round 1: Day 1 - Fresh out the package.

Bread-wise, almost identical. Balocco might be a little darker, but that's where the differences end. Makes me think that the original Italian D'Onofrio recipe is a little too original.

But then we get to the candied fruit. Balocco is much more balanced as the candied fruit is softer and not overly sweet, working well together between the oranges, raisins and other shit. In contrast, when you chomp on D'Onofrio you will experience spikes in sweetness and crunchiness coming at you from the fruities, especially those red and green fuckers.
 
What do you prefer... smooth sailing or a little bit of danger and unpredictability? Since this one goes down to personal preference, looks like we start off with a tie.

D'Onofrio 1 : 1 Balocco

Round 2: Day 3 - Refrigerated, 45 second microwave

Well, something has definitely happened. Balocco has aged pretty well, perhaps tasting even better than on the first day! In comparison, D'Onofrio comes off as decidedly drier.

There's no subjective preference here. If you like dry Paneton, go eat some stale bread. Hence...

D'Onofrio 1 : 2 Balocco

Round 3: Day 4+ - Out in the open. No holds barred.


If you are sharing with family, friends or enemies you're looking to plump up, then you most likely won't make it to this point. But I am only one man, and we are talking about 2 kilos of bread.

Taking a look at the nutritional facts, the Italian offer has higher proteins... which might mean more eggs... which might mean better consistency... but that's a lot of maybes and who-the-fuck-knows. So let's just stick to what we know - Italians age better. After a couple of days of sitting around, there's just no doubt that Balocco has more softness, moistness and all that other good stuff that you're looking for from a mature and experienced Panet(t)on(e).

But we knew that already from the previous round. So what's new? Let us consult the cross section:

D'Onofrio on the left, Balocco on the right. And just by looking at the amount of fruit bits, I can't help but feel that D'Onofrio is trying to fuck me over... just a little bit.

D'Onofrio 1 : 3 Balocco

The Verdict

The score paints an accurate picture and there is no doubt in my mind which I would go for when offered the choice between the two. However, there is one big factor to consider when making that choice - price. Is Balocco worth paying for twice the amount what you would pay for D'Onofrio? Probably not. Are both options solid for their price range? Yes.

So unless money is of no concern to you or if there's some sort of radical discount on Balocco (as has been the case in Wong these days), then both of these choices make for a quality top-end carbfeast!

So there you have it. I like Panettone. I find it superior to Paneton. This is my unbiased oppinion and I'm sticking to it. If that doesn't sit well with any of you Choloton lovers, then feel free to approach me in a dark alley and stab me in the kidney with a rusty knife that has been overexposed to Lima's famous humidity. Let's see how that works out for you...

Balocco MaxiCiok

If you are perfectly satisfied with the Paneton you are eating, stop reading this now. Just stop and walk away... and continue eating whatever it is you enjoy. After you've tasted this there is no going back. At best, it would feel like going to a $10 hooker after getting dumped by the love of your life... although I am the last person to know anything about love or hookers. But Paneton I do know, and I'm telling you... this shit is a game changer! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

It's gonna fuck you up...

You can tell that shit is getting real when a sweet bread pillow has its own webpage. But decadence comes with a price... of 53 soles (cost me 45 with a happy surprise Bonus discount). The photo on the package is as honest to the real thing as possible, with none of that ninja custard bullshit. It's not rivers of chocolate, but the amount is certainly enough to please any choco-freak and I feel like any more would be overkill and potentially lead to sticky-mouth choking. The bread itself is top quality... moist, soft and spongy. I would have to do a side-by-side with D'Onofrio to determine the "best ever", but if this isn't then it's pretty fucking close.

One thing you must must do is refrigerate it for at least a bit, otherwise shit gets messy with all that half-melted chocolate at Lima temperature and humidity. Guess that's why Panettone is eaten during the Italian winter...

I went through it so quick, with no time to snap a proper photo... so the only evidence left is this picture of its mangled carcass on the left. I can go on with my descriptive babbling, but any further words on the topic would be redundant when you take in the following fact - this is the best Paneton I have ever tasted and will without a doubt be my first choice going forward and forever. Also, the cost of my addiction just doubled. 

I would hate to be that guy... the one who looks down condescendingly upon the Peruvian Choloton, instead talking up the other-worldly qualities of Italian Panettone. No, before I can evolve (or degenerate) into that guy... I would need to carry out a fair Paneton vs Panettone battle!


To be continued...

Addiction

So many options...

I may be a junkie, but I'm sure as shit not the only one out there. Pull an average Limeño out of a kombi, sit him/her down in front of 5 boxes of this shit and see what happens. YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!

To make things worse, apparently a dedicated Paneton aisle and/or corner is not enough, so in all the supermarkets they decided to put it random aisles among tuna cans, at checkout, sneaking it into your shopping cart... the fuckers are putting it everywhere. There is no decency... but all this ridiculous supply is in great part a product of insane demand.

So, why obsess over what is essentially a sweet bread loaf with candied fruit and raisins? Well, according to latest research, there are 4 distinct factors to consider when trying to demystify this phenomenon:

Taste - generally agreeable. I will admit that there are far tastier things out there so this is not the biggest selling point. Good brands will up the scales, but in the end... it's just sweet bread. Get real.

So if it's not the taste, what then?


Smell - Probably the most distinctive quality of a fresh bread pillow. You may have just finished eating your bodyweight in Paneton, but hey... you didn't thoroughly wash your hands so you catch a small wiff off your fingers and it's time to stuff some more.

Texture - varies greatly between brands, but even a poorly executed specimen is still edible when fresh out the package. Make no mistake, not all Panetons are born equal. If you only ever ate a stale Bell's Paneton you picked up on discount from Plaza Vea back in May... then you don't know shit, son. When determining quality, texture is the biggest variable with a wide spectrum of possibilities, and a factor that is addressed in all literature that I write on the subject.
 
Which brings us to...

Gluttony - It's not the type of food where you cut off a small piece, have a bite and go "I rather enjoyed that". No, you shout "GIEV MOAR NAU" as you spit saliva-soaked sponges of bread onto your family, the computer screen or whatever it is you believe in. If you enjoy Paneton, chances are you are a motherfucking Glutton who lives for all-you-can-eat buffets, 5 course meals, jars of Nutella in one sitting and the like... the complete opposite of a serial snacker who eats 10 small meals a day. You sit down, you eat, and you don't stop until an internal organ bursts.

Considering all of the above, it is easy to understand why some are infatuated (believers) and some indifferent (heretics), with very few finding themselves in the middle. And conversions from one school of thought to the other are rare, because this is who we truly are.

"I feel like I had enough Paneton" - said never by anyone. If you don't like it, you probably never did... but if you've ever been on it, I mean REALLY on it (a true believer)... you could never utter these words honestly. Scientists have determined three key factors which are most likely to cause temporary withdrawal:

1. Off season. There's much less exposure to bread pillow so you are free to pretend like November-January was all just a spongy dream.
2. Your pants somehow shrank... fatass.
3. Your non-believing "friends" staged an intervention to get you off the Paneton, but shit got ugly and now you're in prison where they don't serve your drug of choice.

There's no last hit. You're in this for the long haul motherfucker.

...so little time.

D'Onofrio Pastelicia

Today we dissect Chocoberry's twin: Pastelicia, which is marketing talk for custard and glorified raisins. I haven't seen anything similar on offer, so I was looking forward to cramming it down with great speed and hoping not to choke in the process. Hope dies last.

Naturally, the product inside looks NOTHING like the picture on the package. You see those 3 thick creamy skid marks? Yeah, inside you'll find ONE malnourished stripe that doesn't even go all the way throughout. It's pathetic and it's insulting. Scroll down for a good look at its non-existence, but consider yourself warned.

If you've ever had a fast food burger (who the fuck hasn't? I salute you) then you are undoubtedly accustomed to this treadmill of disappointment. As usual, Michael Douglas explains it best.

All ranting aside, this Pastelicia bullshit is pretty tasty! Not because of the custard as at this quantity it virtually adds no taste, but... that. fucking. bread. Nobody bakes it like Vinnie D! That sneaky assassin reels you in with promises of novel and exotic filler only to nail you down with his tried and true bread pillow. Motherfucker.

Careful when microwaving as the custard heats up much quicker than the rest of this bad boy, so you might end up burning your mouth like the idiot that I am.
 
The verdict: just get a classic D'Onofrio Paneton... lower price for the same quality, minus pretentious custard bullshit that will maim your tongue.

Winter's Paneton

It's back to basic for a palette reset with a classic, as-God-intended-it-to-be, Paneton. This brand you won't clearly see in every Paneton aisle, but it came highly recommended and its price and rapport place it in the smug medium-upper class. The packaging comes with big words and promises "más suave y esponjoso". But does it deliver?!

 


In an instant, ripping the cardboard to pieces with bare bear hands. The cellophane, being a little greasy, requires the use of teeth, getting caught on braces in the process. But there's no time to consider collateral damage as the scent reaches my olfactory system and a knife is surgically removing 1/6 for a tasting. But wait, what's that at the bottom... BURNS! Burnt Paneton stuck to the paper! HORROR! PANIC! This shocking aberration requires a small bite to confirm my fears, and sure enough... it tastes like cancer. A gruesome start to what could have been a beautiful relationship.

The rest of the specimen does not appear to have been affected, at least visually. But as I consume it throughout the week, at various temperatures and states of oxidation, sometimes together with other brands for comparison, the overall feeling I get is that it's a little dry. Definitely soft and fluffy, but lacking moistness (picture that word... moistness). Is this the result of excessive heat or is it normal? How the fuck should I know... never baked a thing my life. What I do know is that dryness no es bueno.

One positive is that the candy fruit was very tasty, there just wasn't enough of it to enjoy. I know it's a common misconception, where the photo on the package promises an onslaught of raisin after raisin after green jelly thing... to the point where you say "please no more!". Sadly however, in practice this is never the case... and certain brands even go for the dreaded needle in a haystack approach. Just once I would like to be positively surprised... and I thought Winter's might be that champion but alas, the search continues.

 


Overall rating: (refer to above picture) Perhaps it was just the misfortune of picking up a bad batch that went through some 3rd degree burns and perhaps Winter's normally makes rocking bread-goodness... but with so many choices out there and a limited amount of time to scoff them all down, I don't plan on testing that hypothesis. NEXT!

Wong Redcurrant & Orange

Don't judge a Paneton by its cover...

What’s that you say? A Paneton aficionado going for a supermarket brand? Unheard of? Appalling? Insulting even? Well, shit... I have nothing to prove to you, which is why I will only prove to you the following:

1. I needed a nice big reusable container for my future Panetons (the tupperware ain’t cuttin’ it no mo’)
2. Oranges in any shape or form are the good stuff
3. It gave me a chance to burn off Bonus points on something “useful”

The redcurrant (which up until now I didn’t even know existed in the berryworld, thank you fruitcake addiction for expanding my knowledge) is an interesting addition. But really once it’s dried, who gives a shit... tastes just like a raisin, lacking that slightly sour punch that the cranberries in the Chocoberry deliver.

...judge it by the cross section

The aftertaste is orangey... but not the yum kind of Jaffa cake orangey, more like a miniature “oh my fucking god did I just eat orange flavored toothpaste?!” kind of orangey. Which you may be into... me, not so much.

Bread rating: Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. Rough, but gets the job done.

Overall, a very meh level of Paneton that you would expect from a supermarket brand. An interesting idea no doubt, but the execution falls short of delivering something memorable.

A sentence that goes something like “In a sea of choice, this would be one not to make” sums up the opinion of this humble observer... unless you need the metal box. 

I miss Jaffa cakes. Anyone got a hook up for these in Lima? Hit me up yo...